


Unconditional Acceptance

by OnlyTheInevitable



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Autistic Jillian Holtzmann, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 00:07:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9046610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyTheInevitable/pseuds/OnlyTheInevitable
Summary: Holtzmann has never felt more accepted and loved than she does by the fellow women on the Ghostbusters team. Hinted Holtzbert





	

**Hey! I'm back for winter break and finally have time to write fanfic! I've written for Ghostbusters before, but I've always been fascinated by conversation regarding Holtzmann being on the autism spectrum. I've done a lot of research into the idea, and I hope it comes across well. The beginning parapgraph is weak, but please bear with me. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

She is a scientist. She has always known her diagnosis, and has mastered self-awareness. She knows the methodology behind what her ticks and comforts are, and she abides by these unscripted guidelines of her life. It was other people who had a harder time understanding. She just had different ways of doing things, and she preferred to do things as she pleased. Not everyone was malicious, her parents were the first to accept her eccentricities. At first they just thought she was just a sensitive, quite child, but one meltdown led to her scratching herself a little _too_ hard and they took her to the doctor. Asperger's was the diagnosis. They were accepting, but their patience would wear thin. Her Asperger's never hindered her from going after what she wanted, but she was always used to doing it alone.

She never had many friends. Her intense focus on physics and engineering didn't make her the most popular kid on the playground. Even when she went to college, where she was surrounded by physicists and particle engineers across the board, it was a male dominated field and she was a queer woman. Even those that did reach out, typically withdrew after becoming irritated with her methods and habits. She didn't mind, being alone meant she had more time to focus on what she loved doing. The idea of meeting someone who understood and shared her interest seemed too foreign to waste time dwelling on. Until she met Abby.

It was an accident really, Holtzmann went to the same hardware store every Tuesday at two in the afternoon. Every time she would go up and down every single isle, even though she always got the same materials each week. One day there was a woman standing at the end of the first isle, she had dark brown hair stacked on the top of her head, and she was looking around dazed and confused. Holtzmann typically would never have said anything, but as she made her way down the aisle, she saw the woman get ignored by two different employees both making rude facial expressions while they walked away. She knew from personal experience that it can take people hours before they help someone when they don't want to.

"What are you looking for?" Holtzmann asked, looking at the woman's shoes.

"Oh, Hello! Um I'm afraid I'm a little over my head at the moment. I'm in the process of making an Ambient Temperature Sensor and an Electromagnetic Field Sensor. I wrote down the list of materials I need, engineering isn't my strong suit, but I need these devices to test out some theories I'm working on," The woman explained. Holtzmann had expected her to ask where the hammers were, or something to that extent, so hearing such an elaborate request peaked her interest. Her eyes flicked up to see the woman was extending a shopping list to her. Holtzmann gently took the tattered piece of paper from the woman and read down the extensive list of items. She was on the right track, but she was sacrificing durability for time efficiency, obviously. _But this process is fascinating._

"I'm sorry, where are my manners. My name is Abby Yates. I work in the Paranormal department at the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute," Abby said extending out her hand. Holtzmann's eyes darted to the woman's palm and eager smile.

"You're in luck. Holtzmann, engineer, interesting idea enthusiast," she said, greeting Abby's hand with her own.

Holtzmann pulled up her cart and told Abby she would help her get all the materials she was going to need. Abby was thrilled and trailed alongside the blonde as she explained why some substitutions would help benefit her plan in the long run. Abby never questioned why they went down aisles when they didn't need anything in them, and she listened attentively to Holtzmann's passionate explanations. When they were finished at the register, Abby noticed Holtzmann couldn't stop staring at the materials.

"You've already done so much for me today, I don't want to abuse your kindness, but would you like to help me with my project? I can pay you for your work," Abby said, noticing the smile growing on the engineers face.

"I would very much enjoy that," Holtzmann beamed. Holtzmann went to work with Abby everyday. Abby loved her enthusiasm and generosity. After the materials were made, Abby just _happened_ to have another invention that she couldn't possibly do without Holtzmann. This pattern continued until Abby eventually got her hired to the school and they worked together for years. Holzmann finally had a friend.

She was never ashamed of her Asperger's, but she was used to the shift in treatment people gave her after finding out and she hated when it happened. Neurotypicals don't always understand, and don't want to deal with the eccentricities that go along with being on this spectrum. So even though Abby was her best and only friend, she didn't want anything to change. So she kept it to herself for years, Abby finding out was as accidental as their friendship.

Their room of the school was probably the least visited room at the entire institute. No one knew where it was, so they were the only two to ever go it. The lab was pretty organized in their own way, Holtz had a side that looked like an organized mess, and Abby's was the same. Which is why they were so shocked when they went in on a day in April and everything had been moved around. Holtzmann liked order. She liked knowing where everything was in regard to her personal affects. When she looked around and nothing was in the right place, she could feel her mind whirling, a violent cacophony of thoughts. She knew a meltdown was coming on, and she didn't want Abby to see it. Her throat was clenching up and her face was burning. She had no way of getting to a secluded place for this, and knowing it was going to happen in front of her friend only aggravated the tears.

"Huh, looks like the janitorial staff did some spring cleaning," Abby exclaimed making her way to her area. She was trying to move things back when she noticed Holtzmann slightly stagger to her section. She didn't think much of it until she heard a loud sob some from the tiny woman.

"Holtz?" Abby gently prodded. She made her way to be in view of Holtz, and she saw her closing her eyes shut, with her hand over her mouth, sobbing hysterically.

"Hey, hey, it's alright, they do this on occasion. I know they would never take anything, they just moved things around because they were trying to clean," Abby spoke, trying to soothe the woman. She extended her arm to touch Holtzmann, but the other woman violently avoided the touch, hitting her palm against her chest a few rhythmic times before sitting on the ground, swiveling so Abby could only see her back.

Abby stood in the room, not sure of what to do. The lab was comnpletely scilent except for the haggard gasps and sobs from the engineer. Abby wanted to help, but didn't know how. It was obvious Holtzmann didn't really want her to see this, but she couldn't leave her friend like this. She went to the corner and put in Holtz's _Best of the 80s_ CD, she set it to soft so it wouldn't overwhelm the blonde, but so that she wasn't self conscious about the noises she was making. Abby looked back and saw Holtzmann had dropped her hands from her ears and was now rocking back and forth, tears still flowing. Abby did the only thing she could think of. She went over to Holtzmann's station and started putting things back in the place she remembered them being. After about ten minutes, she stopped crying and Abby could feel her eyes on her. Once she got to the tiny knick-knack stuff she held a bobble head in her hand, confused about where to put it when she head a hoarse voice speak, "On top of the cabinet."

Abby continued on like that, gently holding an object up when she didn't know, waiting for Holtzmann's instructions. Once everything looked right, she went over where the blonde was sitting, and joined her on the ground. They sat like that for another ten minutes until Holtzmann spoke up again.

"I'm sorry," she said, not looking at Abby.

"Don't be sorry about having emotions, I'm sorry I didn't really know how to help," Abby responded.

"N-no, it's not your fault. I never told you. I have Asperger's, I haven't had a meltdown in years. I just, don't like my stuff being touched carelessly," she confessed.

"Thank you for sharing yourself with me Holtzmann. If there's anything I can ever do, or something you'd prefer I don't do, just let me know."

"I'm so embarrassed," the engineer said, voice wavering.

"Don't be, I'm sorry if you've experienced other people being intolerant of your feelings, but not me. You're my friend, I just want you to be happy and comfortable," Abby smiled, grabbing Holtz's hand, which elicited a new set of tears, with a different purpose. Holtzmann had been waiting for the confusion or irritated glance that would bite into her like a glare of disgust, but it didn't come this time. Abby loved her so much that she _wanted_ to know about her diagnosis because she really cared. They sat on the ground for a few hours and talked. Holtzmann was unconditionally loyal to Abby after this. She knew Abby was the closest person she would have in this world and just wanted to support her on her an old colleague of Abby's walked into their lab one day, she was surprised to find she didn't hate the woman as she originally thought she would.

She, like most people on the spectrum, isn't big on eye contact. Instead of avoiding it blatantly, she's learned to trick people into thinking she was looking at them. Her favorite is to either look at the bridge of the person's nose, look at their eye makeup, or look at the edge of their bangs. This, Erin Gilbert woman, is fun to look at. Holtzmann flirts with her with an ease mimicked from the women she's watched on television. It's easy to "look at her" because the the woman's chestnut bangs do a dance across her eyebrows, and Holtzmann is a captive audience. The skin on the bridge of her nose is like a tan slope, smooth and an interesting color. Holtz's favorite is the gentle lines caressing the side of the woman's eyes, they do different things with each facial expression, and she loves it. She can't help but give her a hard time though, after all, she betrayed Abby and that cannot be forgiven easily. So she watches Abby's interactions with her, and bases her behavior off of that. If Abby makes fun of her, so will she, but after time, Abby noticeably enjoys the woman's company. Holtzmann is secretly thrilled about this, because she wants to see the woman's features dance some more. She didn't even mind when they left the institute, because they were able to find a more accommodating space, where they could spend more time together.

She barely had time to adapt before two more people joined their little club. _Conductors of the Metaphysical Examination_ as Erin liked to refer to it. Patty and Kevin were both fun to be around. Patty, specifically became one of Holtzmann's favorite people. She didn't know if Patty knew, or if she was just very observant, but she was accommodating to Holtzmann off the bat.

"Okay, so I made some jumpsuits for us. They technically are the same ones used at the MTA, but I've revamped them. On the outside it's a heavier, weighted fabric, for durability, but I know that's not very comfortable on the skin, so I lined the inside with cotton. Holtzy-baby, I know you like fabric that doesn't cling and is nice to the touch, so I kept that in mind while making it and that's why they run a bit big." Patty explained on what was pretty much her third day meeting them.

Everyone thanked her, but Holtzmann took hers and snuck her way into the restroom, eager to try hers on. She carefully stripped off her clothes and put on the jumpsuit. She loved it. It was exactly as Patty explained. It felt nice on her skin inside the jumpsuit, and she enjoyed running her fingers across the texture of the outside material. The heft to it was a comforting weight that surrounded her. She caught a glimpse of the beaming smile she didn't even know she had on in the mirror. She loved the way it looked to, she looked like a badass scientist. She was in such a hurry that she forgot to lock the door, so she jumped in surprise when Patty burst in.

"Shit! Haha, you scared me Holtzy. Oh shit, you look great! I did a damn good job! Do you like it?" Patty asked taking the shorter woman in.

"I-I love it," she beamed, unable to think of a joke to say. She liked the way Patty's eyes lilted up at the compliment before she engulfed Holtzmann in a hug. This was when she fell in love with Patty's hugs. Since the woman was so much bigger than her, her hugs encompassed pressure all over Holtzmann's body, and it was one of the most comfortable things she had ever experienced. It was the first of many hugs. It just made her sensory sensitivity management feel good, Patty never questioned it and never complained.

Erin had suspicions that Holtzmann was on the spectrum, since many of her colleagues were and she was used to some of the behavior. Specifically some of the self-stimulation that Holtzmann appeared to do. Like spinning on stools, chewing straws, and licking objects out of excitement. She also noticed that Holtzmann had performative and non-performative languages. She seemed to pick up on social ques by making jokes. Her jokes are said in a casual almost drawl-like nature, she seems to have everything she's going to say planned out in her head before she says it. She uses a lot of metaphors, specifically about science, to explain how she's feeling. She also is big on repetition, being it either words, quote, or phrases. When she is speaking about her topics of interest, like engineering and ghostbusting, she slips into what Erin believes is her natural speaking pattern. She is fast, almost monotone, and so into what she's saying that she sounds almost out of breath, stuttering frequently. She is fired up by her enthusiasm. She felt her theory was especially true when the engineer gave her awkward, impassioned thank-you speech after they saved New York. Holtz loves science and ghost, but she loves her friends most of all, and when she had to speak about it she slipped into her natural voice; was stuttering, refused eye contact, and wanted to get out of the center of attention as much as possible. The fact she put herself in such an uncomfortable situation in order to share her feelings was endearing and made Erin's heart happy. Though she had suspicions, she never sought out an answer because it truly didn't matter. Their relationship would in no way be altered by knowing. However, when Holtzmann told them herself, unprovoked, it made Erin feel like she was truly trusted.

"Baby, you've been pacing around for half an hour. What are you looking for?" Patty asked.

"My yellow lensed glasses," Holtzmann answered, not fully taking her focus off the task at hand.

"You had them at the bust didn't you?" Erin asked from her desk.

"Yeah, you had them when you were slimed in the face," Abby added.

"That's right! Then I took them off to clean them and...I set them down on a table and left them there." Holtzmann sighed, sitting on a stool.

"I can pick you up a pair and bring them tomorrow," Patty offered.

"Could we go get a pair now? My head's kinda pounding without them," Holtzmann joked.

"Yeah, sure. Why does your head hurt without them?" Patty asked, getting her car keys. Abby glanced at Holtzmann to see if she was going to answer truthfully. She was never one to lie, but Abby knew she was shy about the topic.

"I have Asperger's and part of that includes having strong sensory overloads. The yellow lenses help me with that, without them I can get overwhelmed," Holtzmann answered honestly, albeit quickly, looking out the window.

"Then we can go get those right away, is there a specific store you wanna go to?" Patty asked supportively. Holtzmann smiled at Patty's enthusiasm and followed her out the door, telling her about the different brands of lenses and which prove to be the most effective. When they were at the store Patty made sure to buy a few, so Holtz had spares to fall back on.

They love her, and would do anything to make her comfortable. It's not hard. They know after Holtz is done with making equipment, it means a lot to her to see them try it, and she won't be satisfied until she knows it works. They know when she starts clearing her throat excessively, or blinking hard, that she is preparing herself to say something important. So they are patient, because they value her and want to hear what she has to say. It's moments like this Holtzmann reflects on. She can look around and see a room full of women who want nothing but the best for her. Nothing makes her happier than that unconditional acceptance.

* * *

**I'm sorry if it got really sappy at the end. I wasn't quite sure how to end it. I hope my portrayal seems true to my intentions. There were aspects that I wanted to include, but didn't end up making it (like her unique way of socially expressing herself, and love of audibly pleasing foods). Sorry if it seems OOC. I would love if you guys would review your feedback! I'd love you hear your opinions. Thanks so much for reading! - Nicole (gaycrouton on Tumblr)**


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